SXSW 2013 (aka Doritos Fest)...is OVER

Another SXSW has come and gone. I survived. My cats survived. I hear Prince and Justin Timberlake also survived. I can return  to eating vegetables, my day job, and obsessively checking my faucets to make sure they aren't leaking (as a teenager, not once did I picture adult life focusing so much on plumbing). The pompadoured musicians have left Austin, and we can all continue to discover and listen to them on Spotify. I spent most of my time at the Interactive and Film portion of the festival this year. So instead of skinny jeans, I met a lot of people named Ted and Breanna that seem like people named Ted and Breanna from my office, except more attractive. They've all left too, but I'll remember them when I use any and all apps. SXSW is spring break for the world and usually the perfect excuse for everyone to behave like a toddler for a week. I kept my inner toddler at bay, and this is may be the first year I haven't done anything I regret, besides eating 3 billion bags of Doritos and not walking out on the film Hours (note to self: never see any movie with the word "hours" in the title unless you want to see something tediously slow). Here was my week, including celeb pics!

I spotted Moby in a buffet line! Here he is explaining to these fellas that shrimp on a stick count doesn't count as meat.

I spotted Moby in a buffet line! Here he is explaining to these fellas that shrimp on a stick count doesn't count as meat.

Greg Allman would not shut up about almonds. Almond milk. Almond butter. Almond Joy. Big fan.

Greg Allman would not shut up about almonds. Almond milk. Almond butter. Almond Joy. Big fan.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton are so in love.

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton are so in love.

GIRLS is one of my favorite shows. And, I dig Jessa's strange Stevie Nicks/I Dream of Jeannie fashion choices.

GIRLS is one of my favorite shows. And, I dig Jessa's strange Stevie Nicks/I Dream of Jeannie fashion choices.

People say every year SXSW becomes more and more commercialized, but I don't see it.

People say every year SXSW becomes more and more commercialized, but I don't see it.

This Happens in the Pacific Northwest

Did you know that there are more serial killers in the Pacific Northwest than in any other region of the country? Ted Bundy, and the Green River guy, and...okay I don't know if that's actually true because I am not an almanac. But I do know there is plenty of THIS ingenuity happening.

Let's face it. This is clever. Inventive. And also totally serial killer-esque.

Just the sight of this has me craving organic gluten-free steel-cut oats garnished with organic marionberries, equal rights for everyone, and Nirvana songs. One other detail about the Pacific Northwest: the shoes are terrible! People are basically wearing large potatoes on their feet. I mean, I'm aware of such brands as Teva and Dansko, etc., and I understand the necessity of such shoes in granola-hiking-national forest/park areas. But in Oregon and Washington, there's this whole other subset hybrid of Birkenstock ugliness happening. #portlandia #grossshoes #serialkillers #trailmix #intentionalcommunity #loveandhateit

Bomb Threats: An Embedded Report

Last night I had a couple of drinks and stayed up a little late. Nothing major, but I definitely felt sleepy this morning and forwent a bowl of granola for a breakfast taco and a half. So today, when the sirens at The University of Texas at Austin went off, and I received a text message to evacuate and get as far away from campus as possible. Immediately. And it was like the goddamn apocalypse was happening outside, my first thought was No. I am too hungover for this bullshit. Am I having a panic attack because I am hungover? Or because we are legitimately going to fucking die?

There were people everywhere, walking and running with umbrellas, and it was raining sideways. It felt like we were in Saving Private Ryan, if Saving Private Ryan were an American Apparel ad featuring lots of 19 year old overachieving introverted engineering students with backpacks.

And people were paused outside, unsure if they should really walk as far away as possible. This is understandable. We are Americans and hate walking. I paused too for a moment. And then I was like, what the fuck? Let's bolt.

A coworker and I started walking and walking and walking, like we were Forrest Gump, except instead of running across the country, we went to Texas French Bread on 29th Street. And along the way we walked with all of these other confused people. Middle-aged office workers who complained about leaving their lunch sacks behind at their desks. A nurse from student health services whined about wanting to go back to campus to get her car. A couple of theater students wishing the university would have provided more information in the text message. What was the nature of the emergency? Couldn't they have told us more?

And all I could think of was survival of the fittest and that if we died, these would be the last people I talked to. And then I thought about cannibalism.