I do not have a background in science, but I am paid to interview scientists. Today, I had the opportunity to chat with a young epidemiologist about her work on HIV prevention. Here’s approximately how that conversation went.
ME: I’m excited to hear about your research at Emory. Can you summarize what you’re working on?
RESEARCHER: Of course. A few years ago I received an NIH fellowship to work on HIV-prevention in Africa. I started my research working at the CDC and am now with Emory.
ME: So you worked at the CDC? I just read a story about the coronavirus? Are you familiar?
RESEARCHER: Yes, it’s a virus similar to SARS, except it seems it can be spread from human to human, rather an animal to human.
ME: Yeah, it sounds like a big deal. Two people in France died, and nine in Saudi Arabia, or something? I'm not sure exactly. I didn't finish the article because that stuff freaks me out. But, is this, like, a big deal?
Updated Resume´ Objective
Seeking gig where I'm allowed to wake up leisurely, drink coffee beside cats, write comedy in the morning, chat and make jokes with other writers in the afternoon, and on occasion, produce and shoot said writings. Opportunities for part-time income supplements through employment at an organic food co-op employment is also welcome, because the people at those places seem fucking happy, admiring vegetables and what not. With health insurance. THX IN ADVANCE, universe.
Salon Mentions GoopYou.com and Funny or Die Gwynnie Video
Salon recently published a schadenfreude-fun piece about Gwyneth Paltrow's newsletter, GOOP. Just as Paltrow curates lists of juice diets on a weekly basis, in this piece, Gavia Baker-Whitelaw curates the sites that poke fun at GOOP, including my own GoopYou.com as well as a Gwyneth-inspired sketch. Two citations may just qualify me as a Gwyneth-bashing expert (which is EXACTLY what I wished for as a child; thanks universe!).
The time I wrote a sketch about hipsters so I could date hipsters
In 2012, I wrote a sketch about hipster guys with beards. Because if there's ONE thing the internet is lacking, it's videos poking fun of hipsters. After writing it, I spent many months handing my number to many bearded men at many bars, under the guise of "casting." This led to interesting and new dating experiences that started with conversations like this one:
ME: Excuse me, but have you ever acted?
BEARDED GUY: (rightfully wary) Uh, no. I own a bicycle shop/I work from home as a social media director/I’m studying Chinese medicine/Well right now, I'm a sous chef. But I really want to open a gluten-free pastry trailer.
ME: I'm a comedy writer*, and you have the perfect look for a sketch I've written.
At this point, the bearded guy warms up, suddenly thinks I'm a "big deal," and that he's in the process of being "discovered." I imagine that in his mind, he's relating a story to his future grandchildren about how he was once approached by a petite persistent woman who helped make him, and ultimately his fixed gear bike/Twitter account/acupuncture business/gluten-free bear claw, famous. Or more likely, he knows I’m hitting on him, and he’s fine with it. He’s in. I’m in. We’re all in.
I'm ashamed to say that I felt a bit like Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights. Except instead of offering the promise of fame to lure good-looking, neglected, young people into a porn empire, I used the selling point of potential YouTube hits to persuade men resembling lumberjacks into chatting over drinks and dinner.
Some of those guys were cool. Some were not. One received a string of emasculating texts and Facebook messages from me. Shockingly, none of them ended up working on my comedy sketch.
After a long stretch of binge dating, I, being of sound, rational judgment, decided to take a six-month hiatus from guys. What can I say? I appreciate an extreme challenge and stringent timeline. Amazingly, my life became a lot more functional, once I succumbed to the fact that I was going to be the only person in it for a while. Instead of talking to, let’s face it, strangers over happy hours about all the work I was thinking of doing, I actually had the time to start doing the work I’d been thinking about.
When I finally stopped chasing bearded hipsters, I was able to produce a sketch about them. Check it out; it’s a commercial parody advertising a product to nourish ironic hipster facial hair.
P.S. No actors involved were harmed/harassed/encouraged to spend quality time with me watching Netflix/received emasculating texts, etc. during the filming of this parody. It's also on Funny or Die, if watching it on YouTube feels too mainstream.
Funny or Die Features Fake Gwyneth Paltrow on Home Page
Awhile ago, I wrote and acted in a spoof about Gwyneth Paltrow, wherein I played a fat version of this lovely actress/lifestyle consultant/all-around, self-actualized gem. Poking fun at Paltrow has promised to be a worthy venture, as she is this continuing source for jokes. Today she released yet another cookbook, and the good folks at Funny or Die decided to resurrect my sketch by featuring it. Tomorrow it will likely no longer be on their home page, so I took a screenshot (more like 4 or 6). I'm super jazzed about my mug being in a box a few boxes away from Marc Maron's.
