Avoid texting. Find more creative ways to communicate; keep your lover on his toes with handwritten scrolls delivered to his bedroom window via carrier pigeon, invisible ink heart-shaped tattoos that can only be seen under a black light, and secret messages he’ll have to hire a CIA agent to decode.
If you must text, occasionally spell words using British English. You’ll create intrigue with messages like: “Let’s chill and watch a marathon of In Living Colour. It’s one of my favourite television programmes!” Raise one eyebrow and smile slyly when he asks “Didn’t you grow up in Tampa?”
Some women attempt to make partners jealous by ordering themselves a dozen roses to make it appear that many suitors desire them. Why stop with roses? Order yourself a dozen Harry & David Royal Riviera pears, a dozen circular saws from Home Depot, and a dozen DVDs of classic film The Dirty Dozen. He may never understand you, but he will be in awe that he’s with a mysterious creature who possesses a penchant for gourmet fruit, mad carpentry skills, and an affinity for classic war films.
Be a more mysterious mate with unreadable facial expressions. Letting him know your true feelings is a huge relationship killer. Maintain your composure with a straight face, and if that’s too difficult, put a paper Trader Joe’s bag over your head.
Captivate his interest by catching him off guard. You could surprise him with tickets to see his favorite basketball team or you could just throw a basketball randomly at his head while the two of you watch Game of Thrones.
Shake up your routine. Eating brunch at the same greasy spoon every Sunday morning is boring and does nothing for your romance. Arouse curiosity by traveling outside of your comfort zone. A suggestion: combine your airline miles and take a trip somewhere exotic. Nothing says “Let’s commit to one another” like running away from a panther in the Brazilian rainforest.
It feels like a shift forward in a relationship when you share your Google calendars. But it’s also the beginning of monotony. Keep your romance fresh by throwing away your phones. For good. Hey, as long as you’re in Brazil, why not toss your iPhone 7s into the Amazon River, while you bond over avoiding piranhas.
Originally published in Skirt Magazine. A strange publication that paid.