Those energy drink rebates you’ve ignored on your dining room table for the past month. If you simply fill them out, Redbull will send you $4.63 in 8 to 10 weeks. That’s like 1 night’s rent at a rice field bungalow in Ubud, Indonesia. Come on! You’ve got the time to kill! It’s a 25-hour flight to Bali, and SkyMall doesn’t exist anymore. Throw those bad boys in your carry-on.

Some women attempt to make partners jealous by ordering themselves a dozen roses to make it appear that many suitors desire them. Why stop with roses? Order yourself a dozen Harry & David Royal Riviera pears, a dozen circular saws from Home Depot, and a dozen DVDs of classic film The Dirty Dozen. He may never understand you, but he will be in awe that he’s with a mysterious creature who possesses a penchant for gourmet fruit, mad carpentry skills, and an affinity for classic war films.

1. Jolt your senses by drinking 24 ounces of ice-cold water immediately upon waking. Don’t brush your teeth, don’t use the bathroom, don’t walk the dog. Your senses will only be jolted if you drink cold water during the first 17 seconds you’re awake.

2. Calm your senses with a lukewarm cup of lemon water. Make sure to use a Meyer lemon of organic origin. Temperature must be an exact 105 degrees Fahrenheit.

3. Scrape your tongue. Then go to your kitchen and scrape off that spaghetti sauce that splattered inside your microwave last week. A messy kitchen is so 2016.

4. Smile at yourself in the mirror and say something positive like “I am a beacon of hope,” or “I have good taste in podcasts.”

1. Brad Pitt is single again!
2. That hard-to-reach terra incognita space between the couch and the wall will get it’s annual vacuuming in preparation for holiday guests.
3. At least 4 years isn't forever? Oh god. Oh no. Why? 
4. It’s considered festive, not piggish, to eat my weight in Aunt Donna’s homemade peppermint bark.

French fries
Hand-cut parsley potato twiggies

Scrambled eggs
Muddled cluckberries

PB&J
Brown bag yeast pocket, Valencia legume crème, smashed grape confit

I could leave right now. Just stand up, throw this uncomfortable $50 zafu cushion from Amazon at that silly gong, and bolt. There’s a gelato place across the street…