I wrote this monologue over a half hour lunch break, and it got picked up the same day, while the Nordstrom news was still fresh: I, A WHITE FEMALE TRUMP VOTER, LOOK FORWARD TO THE UNITED STATES’ IMPENDING WAR WITH NORDSTROM.
Categories I Divided My Belongings Into Using the KonMari Method
Things that spark joy.
Things that don’t spark joy.
Things that potentially could spark joy in a Mad Max post-apocalyptic scenario. Or if I, like, find the right pencil skirt to match.
Things that sparked joy until my cat puked on them.
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How to Throw Like a Girl -- McSweeney's
1. Apologize to the ball before throwing it.
2. Get paid 77 cents per dollar a man gets paid to throw the same ball.
3. Throw a ball and watch a man take credit for throwing it.
4. Wear a pantsuit to fool people into thinking you’re actually a man throwing the ball.
Read the full list at McSweeney's.
Read MoreHow to Put Yourself Out there While Staying in Here
Here's a fun post I wrote for Reductress.
Read MoreWHAT SHOULD WE NAME HER?
Here's a sketch I wrote recently.
INT. AIRPLANE GATE WAITING AREA
A HUSBAND & WIFE are seated in a waiting area, next to a MALE COUPLE with a baby. The Wife notices the baby and whispers to her husband.
WIFE
Ooh, look at that little sweet pea!
HUSBAND
With any luck, we’ll have our own baby soon!
WIFE
(whispers)
You know, I’m ovulating right now!
HUSBAND
Really? Should we go try?
He indicates to the bathroom.